Friendships: Then vs Now

One fine day, I caught my dad reminiscing about his early life. He told me stories about his good old friend: how he had helped my dad through dark times, dragged him out of the house when he was depressed, and encouraged him to keep going even when he felt like it was the end of the world. Then, out of the blue, he said, “I think I might still have his number, I’m going to give him a call” (Mind you, they hadn’t been in contact for almost five years). I was flabbergasted. I could not comprehend how my dad could even think of picking up the phone and calling an estranged friend out of the blue.

If I were in his place, I would have thought it through a million times, decided it would probably be too awkward, and given up on the idea. I told him this, to which he responded, “Your generation has never experienced what true friendship is”. And I fear I must agree. Friendships in the past were forged in fire. On the other hand, friendships today are built in a vacuum of convenience, and because they haven’t been tested by conflict, they often lack the depth of our parents’ friendships.

Friendships in the past, as they have been described to me, were built on a shared “hardship”. Students who didn’t finish their homework became friends while being punished to stand outside the class. Neighbours who got bored after school became friends because…why not?  Kids at the ice cream truck who were screamed at by their parents from the balcony became friends with each other too. They also had what you might call a “no-exit” communication. If you fought with your friend, there were only two things that could follow. Either the friend would come banging on your door, forcing you to come and resolve the fight, or your parents would force you to pick up the landline because your friend wouldn't stop calling until you talked to them. All in all, the only way to resolve a conflict was to talk it out.

Unfortunately, in comparison, friendships today feel quite bland. Friendships now are often tied to proximity. Once you leave that proximity, the friendship is left behind too. After that, likes on your social media posts are as far as it’ll go. Moreover, if things get awkward or uncomfortable, we simply resort to ghosting because most of our friendships are heavily reliant on online platforms anyway.

These platforms have also given us the option to be performatively supportive rather than actually being there for someone. It's a million times easier to post a picture with the caption “I'll always be there for you” than to literally show up when your friend needs you. We have accepted that posting about each other or publicly wishing each other happy birthday is supportive. But it's not.

Being supportive means knocking on someone’s door with their favourite food because you felt they had been a bit quiet lately. It is to pick up the call and hear them talk about their bad day, because you know they are only comfortable sharing it with you. It is to force them to see this new place with you because you know they have been in the house for an unhealthy amount of time.

We have gotten so comfortable with “protecting our peace” that we have applied the same concept to friendships, by keeping all our friends at arm’s length. But protection is not connection. Connection demands vulnerability and risk, not emotional distance. Our parents aren’t afraid to confess “I missed you” to their friends or shy away from showing up in times of need. And maybe we can learn a few things about friendships from them too.

About the Author

Nitya Menghani is a young Gen Z, who has lived her whole life in Shenzhen, trying to navigate through the twists and turns of a young adult life as an expat in the city. She is an aspiring businesswoman eager to create an impact and is currently pursuing a business management degree. Other than that, she has also freelanced as a social media assistant manager, sales and customer service intern, and AI marketing content creator. Her writing is inspired by the complex thoughts and conversations that stem from the ordinary moments of life. She hopes that by writing them down, she can perhaps help herself and others navigate through them too.

Nitya can be contacted via WeChat on the following QR.